I’ve been through the darkness,
More times than I can recall.
It follows me, you see,
Wherever I seem to roam.
It is my constant companion,
A most intimate of friends,
Where all else fails, it seems to know no end.
I have been away from my blog for over a month now. I know that is quite some time. I cannot say exactly why I took this time away. I won’t pretend to have a profound reason for my actions. The best I can come up with is that I simply did what I needed to do.
I’ll be honest, trying to maintain a message of hope or of optimism is… well… exhausting. It takes pushing one’s emotional and mental faculties to the brink. It takes a conscious and deliberate effort to spin the hopeless into the hopeful, the bleak into an opportunity, the defeated into a strategy for victory. I’ll admit, I am not always good at it. In fact, if we are being honest with one another, its not exactly one of my strengths at all.
This blog was started with the purpose of showing others that there can be meaning found – gleaned – even when all around you seems like nothing more than a jumbled mish-mash of worthless, inconsequential occurrences. That mission, I think, was more for myself than anything. And while I have done my best to remain true to it, this past month and a half or so was remarkably difficult. I was lost, you see – trapped in my own labyrinth of despondency. And I cannot exactly say I have found my way out, but I will say that I can finally see clearly enough through the darkness to find the drive to write to you again.
In this time away from the online world – even my social media has been cut down – I have taken up the act of writing, physically writing, in a journal again. One could say I simply traded one medium for the other. But there is something profoundly different about writing to one’s self versus writing to the world. You are more thoughtful and conscientious about the person you are portraying when you allow your thoughts to be viewed by the world. You are more vulnerable to ridicule, disagreement, debate, and plain hurtful insults. None of that has happened here, but I am more than aware that it can. So, I would say that during this time away I retreated into the safe comfort of a private journal away from all eyes.
However, there is something to be said about writing to one’s self. Without the concern of prying eyes and opinions, you are free to write in a candid way. You are free to write exactly what is you are thinking or feeling. And writing in this manner can be very revealing. You learn about a side of yourself that is most true to your core. It is uninhibited, instinctual, I would even venture to say primordial. It is you at your most basic level. I encourage you to take the time to get to know this you.
So, what is my message from all this? What is the moral I wish to convey?
I will say that my time away, the time I spent entirely focusing my thoughts inward I realized that for all the light, there is a darkness there. And I will not be ashamed of this. In our society we all wish to only display our happiest moments, the best of ourselves, and put on a show of a life most exciting and exemplary. Well, I am here to say that it is worthwhile to acknowledge when things are not so great. It’s almost needed. It’s in those moments of weakness that we are reminded how much compassion is a precious commodity. It is in those moments that we realize how difficult it can be to come across love and understanding, because it is in those moments of weakness that we need that compassion, love, and understanding most of all.
I found when I needed it, I sometimes could not always find it. Or that it can only come in small doses. Or that complete strangers are capable of prodigious amounts of it in abundance! The darkness can be vast and stretch out before you for what seems like an endless expanse of space and time. It can leave wounds far deeper than ocean chasms. I have been through the darkness, and I wander through it still.
Perhaps that is why I am here, to be reminded of the need for love, understanding, and compassion and to share that with you. For those are the lighted beacons that will help to guide the way.
Until next time my darlings, may we all be sweetly inspired.